From a young coach

I love this print, find it here.

I've been thinking this last week about what I do. I'm a coach. And a teacher. Five years ago I got my credential, four years ago was my first year teaching in the classroom, then one year off to recover from my first year of teaching (mostly sleeping), followed by the last two years with an online school and coaching swim team.

I was 24 my first year of teaching. Just 6 years older than my students. Woooooof, I was young. Babies teaching babies. The blind leading the blind. I'm still young. Sometimes I feel too young for the job. There are moments that create in me a sense of inadequacy based on my years. Like, "how am I supposed to know how to help this 15 year old? Aren't I 15 years old? JOSH HARTNETT IS SUCH A HOTTIE." But then I remember I am, in fact, an adult. I am approaching my late twenties and will soon be a decade older than my swimmers and students.

But, it's so strange, I remember being 16 like it was last week. I remember my school schedule and which period I had with which friend. The teacher always sort of blurs in my memory, like they were just a part of the scenery. Like a whiteboard that told me to stop talking so much during class on a daily basis. I did have 3 teachers whom I remember in greater detail, the ones who have stayed with me. The ones I remember in those hard teaching/coaching moments and wonder, "what would Queen Claudia do in this situation?"

Yea, my high school English teacher had us call her Queen Claudia. She was pretty much the best.

Mostly I remember how everything is about you. What classes are you taking next year, who's your best friend, who is asking you to prom, have you gotten your acceptance letters yet, and did you hear Suzie's parents are nudists (that's real, names have been changed to protect identities). Swim socials, Key Club, football games on Friday. Which, even if you didn't play football, were really still about you cause 1. it's your school. you own it. #gobruins and 2. who cares about football?

All these things that make High School, well... High School.

It's so strange when you become the person facilitating these events. And that's really what you are as a coach. You go from being one of the stars to being the director. Just call me Coach Spielberg. I wish. More like: You go from being one of the stars to being the weird guy who makes sure there's enough coffee for everyone on set and then talks to himself in the corner all day.

And that's okay. That's a good thing. That's how it should be. That is maturing and natural. It's important to learn everything isn't always about you and your twenties seem like the time to do that. Also, I have found in my limited experience: it is just as great to facilitate the fun as it is to be having the fun.

I take an overnight trip with the team every year down to a meet in Southern Utah and IT IS THE WORST. I am so exhausted and so worried that I'm responsible for all those kids' safety for 48 hours. But there is a moment every single time when I really look around.

I actually look at them laughing and singing too loudly on the bus and just generally having the best time and I think, "This is worth it. This is so worth it. I used to be the swimmer on the bus talking about Yellowcard too loudly and now I'm the coach who gave up her own weekend to make this happen. My coach did that for me and I didn't even realize it, and now I'm doing it for them and that is so beautiful. It's just like the circle of life and lion king andohcrapnowi'mcrying..." Someday one of my swimmers might coach and maybe she'll think of me when her swimmers are singing bad pop songs on the bus for four hours straight. What a lovely thought.

Last week one of my swimmer's passed away. It is tragic and heartbreaking and sudden. He was very young and the whole community seems to be mourning his and his family's loss.

I don't get to know each of my swimmers as individuals very well. If I'm lucky I really get to know 5 or 6 of them and those are usually the seniors. I see them every day for 5 months, I watch them swim and critique them, I generally know a little about each of them.

Mostly, I get to be a spectator in their lives. I am meant to blur into the scenery as they make memories and grow in to adulthood. Never had I imagined I might only get to watch one of them for so a short time. Too short a time.

My memories of this swimmer are ones of joy. He's smiling coming in to practice, he is laughing at his friend's joke, he's got a look of pure happiness on his face after he sees the scoreboard reads his fastest time, he is messing around with the other kids in his lane before the next set starts.

And I got to see all that. I got to be the one who helped make it happen.

What an incredible privilege.