Monday, May 28, 2018

You fill up my senses

Dear June,

You are 9 months today! A great thing about marking each month of a baby's first year is it really makes you reflect. I cannot believe how much has changed in 3 months. When I realized you were 3 months from one year old, I was simultaneously thrilled and very, very sad. It's shocking how bittersweet parenthood is. Every new milestone comes with joy and also sadness. I've never felt the way time marches relentlessly forward until this year with you. It has made me very aware of how I spend my time with you--I now only watch Kardashian's after you go to bed!

Here are some things about right now:

- You have no time for our cuddles. There are stairs to climb and dirt to eat off the floor and you cannot be slowed down by your parent's attentions. I've known you were independent basically from day one, but now you are stubbornly so. Anytime you fall asleep in my arms I never move. I stay perfectly still and stare at you for as long as you let me.

-When you smile at people you scrunch your face all up and give yourself a double chin and squeeze your hands together. You are just the biggest/best weirdo.

-Books. Books are your thing. The cardboard kind is your favorite because you can turn the pages easily. If your toys are spread all over the floor, you always go for your book. I have read "A Color of his Own" so many times to you, and every time I finish you laugh your head off for absolutely no reason.

-Your dad sang you "Strawberry Wine" as a lullaby recently, while I suppressed loud laughter outside the nursery door.

-Right after you turned 6 months, we traveled home with you for the first time. I was so nervous about everything, but we did it! I suddenly had so much more confidence about doing things with you. It was a turning point in my mom-hood. I felt like, "if I can fly with her, I can do anything with her!"

-You just had your first real cold. I gave it to you. You were miserable and I'm sorry.

-I have (finally) stopped pumping. Nursing you and pumping and etc. was very emotional for me and I'm still not really able to talk much about it. But you, literally, could care less. You like big warm bottles and you don't care what is in them. So, to you, this is just another silly thing I worry about that you don't care about ;)

-I still have no idea what color your eyes will be. Right now they are a beautiful gray color, with brown around the iris'. Hazel/Gray eyes with strawberry blonde hair. You are so beautiful it makes my heart hurt. 

-A.V.O.C.A.D.O.S. all day. every day. Avocados. I'll make a California girl of you, yet.

-I think you say "Hiiiiii" when you see me. Your dad says I'm imagining things, but whatever, I'm pretty sure it's your first word. You also point at everything and you are just starting to wave. I love it so much.

-It's your first summer and I can't wait to go to the pool with you every day. Babies and water, man. Also, I wish I could bottle how you smell in your summer clothes and sunscreen. So magical.

-About a week ago, I was having a bad day. Some days I feel completely unqualified to be your mom and I get a bit overwhelmed. So I went on a run around dusk, after you went to bed, and I saw a beautiful horse. Then out from behind the horse a little baby foal came out. I immediately burst into tears. My headphones were in and HAIM was playing, and I pet the Mom horse while the foal nursed in the beautiful sunset light. She looked tired, but she also looked happy. I think her baby was only about 2 days old. I told her she was doing a good job. The rest of my run I couldn't stop thinking about taking you to see that baby horse. I rushed home from work the next day to take you over there. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me.

-You have sucked on a lightning phone charger... twice. I sincerely pray this doesn't have lasting effects.

I love you so much, my wild girl. xoxox, Mom

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

So, put your little hand in mine

Dear Junebug,

Just the other day you were being especially cute. Laughing and smiling and grabbing things, and I thought "what's going on here? she's especially cute today" and then I realized: 6 months. You are six months today. This age is magic. Before I had you and I was around other babies, right around 6 months I'd suddenly be so into that baby. So, I knew there was something about this age. It still didn't prepare me for how cute you are right now.

It's also going so fast. I miss your little newborn quirks. How you were all curled up all the time. Here are some of my memories of you right now:
  • Your laugh is the greatest sound I've ever heard. Although, you are selective in what you find funny. You don't just give those laughs away, you have to find something really funny. Usually me tickling you or you, grabbing your dad's nose hard.
  • You are both incredibly charming and also very discerning. When we are out and people stop to talk to you, you don't smile right away. You wait and decide if you're into it and then you give this incredible smile that lights up your whole face. It's breathtakingly beautiful. 
  • I tried to give you rice cereal. You were not interested. Well, you were interested in grabbing the spoon. That was about it. Next I'll try some avocado. 
  • You rolled off the couch. It was my fault. Just right off the side and when you cried, I cried. Nothing has ever scared me as much as being a parent and you falling off something was a big concern of mine. Your dad is real smug about it. I can't believe I was the first to drop you. 
  • You still sleep in the bassinet by my side of the bed. I'm just going to wait until you tell me you want to go in your own room. Hopefully when you are 25. 
  • You are suddenly interested in all your toys. When I read you books you get so excited. It's like a whole new world just opened up. 
  • This time last year you were this little thing in my belly. You didn't seem real. And now we go on walks, all bundled up, and I tell you about how I used to talk to you when I was on my walks while I was pregnant. I would say things like "next year you'll be able to see these mountains and see Utah turn green and blooming again! You'll be able to watch BBC shows with me all day while it snows!" and now that's real. It's like a dream come true.
  • Speaking of dreams coming true: St Patrick's day is coming. I'M SO EXCITED TO HAVE YOU HERE FOR IT I CAN'T EVEN.
  • At night I still reach over into the bassinet and you put your little hand around my finger. It's the best feeling in the world.
  • Some days I feel like I've got the mom thing down, and other days...not so much. You had a fever last week and it sent me right into a panic. But you are such a good baby. It's like you're being patient with me as I figure this thing out. 
  • Here is what I know about your personality so far: you are observant, independent, and opinionated. You also love to hang out with your dad, just relaxing. You like when I sing you songs and smile at you. Actually, songs and smiling are your favorite things right now. 
You are my favorite thing right now. I love you, bug. 

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

No. Sleep. Till. Brooklyn.

Dear Junebug,

You are 3 months old today. That was both the fastest and slowest three months of my life. I thought I would write down a few memories and thoughts, because somehow now you are not a newborn! But a real live baby!
  • You just started to smile and coo and giggle and it's so incredible. I used to daydream about my Oscar speech or Outlander, but now all I can think about is you smiling at me. 
  • You really loved to party from 2am-6am until about two weeks ago. You're dad and I got pretty creative with that time. I would order random items from amazon and have no memory of doing so when they arrived 2 days later. Your dad watched a lot of Bob Ross.
  • You are sleeping longer stretches at night (7 hours!) which feels great, but I wake up because I miss you. I also wake up to "gently" kick the crib to make sure you are breathing. But mostly because I miss you.
  • Nothing makes you feel quite as sexy as trying to shove your boob in an unwilling and/or screaming baby's mouth. I have learned this lesson well in your first three months of life. 
  • I have never been so exhausted. I have had moments/days where I have felt completely overwhelmed. I have also never been so happy.
  • Sometimes when you are eating I smile down at you and you smile up at me and forget to eat. And then my heart bursts.
  • You love ceiling fans. You and your dad like to lay on the bed and look up at it all afternoon.
  • Girl, those poops of yours could clear any room. 
  • I never want to forget how you do this little excited growl and attack when you feel the nipple/bottle on your lip. Or the look you give us when we give you the pacifier and milk doesn't come out. 
  • You have ruined Caesar's life, but he loves you anyway and won't leave the room you are in. 
  • You really love to walk around around the house while I explain things to you like, "here is the toilet, June! It's where your dad is for 45 minutes each morning!"  Right now you really love looking at the Christmas tree and reaching out to it. 
  • Every time you grow out of something, I cry. I also cried much harder and longer than you did when you got your first shots. Your dad asked me if he needed to get me an ice cream cone after, to which I said "hells yes".  The doctor's office should really provide that.
  • Parenthood has shown me I chose well with your dad. He is a swaddling/diaper changing/ baby wearing/bottle feeding master. He also listens to me cry about various things while pumping and hasn't once made a fem-bot joke. We are the three amigos these days. 
  • You have discovered your hands. You hold on to my shirt and won't let go. I'll tell you this when you want to go away to college in 18 years while I sob. 
  • We watched a lot of Real Housewives your first month of life, I am just now starting to wonder how this will affect you. What if your first words are "I have a taste for luxury, and luxury has a taste for me"?
  • We've also listened to the first 2 books of Harry Potter and now I'll always associate that magical newborn time with that story. Pun intended?
  • You have taught me to slow down. Sometimes I still try to do a million things, but your needs always come first, which has made me more present. 
  • You have a VERY large head. I had to cut you out of a onesie once. As in: your head had grown while you were wearing it. You also have a flat spot, so your dad and I are constantly turning your head, only to turn around and you've put it back where you like it.
  • Sometimes at night I just stare at you in wonder. 
This has been the happiest time of my whole life. I love you, little bug.

Thursday, September 21, 2017

This love is crazy

Whelp, I had a baby.

And looking back, there is zero mention of it here on the blog. The post we made for the New Year was my last post before we found out (but actually I was already pregnant, just in very, very early pregnancy). I'm not sure why I never posted about the pregnancy, it's most likely part fear of jinxing it and part being distracted by it.

Our little girl is currently sleeping on my chest. Her little breaths are currently my whole universe. And since she was born I've had the itch to write down the memories and emotions. This love is crazy.

Dear June,

We named you June for two reasons: for the song "June Hymn" by The Decemberists. And also--you know how the month of June feels? Beautiful and warm and bright? When it's finally summer after all that winter? That's you. You are our June.

I found out that June was coming in January. I didn't know it was you yet, because I didn't know whether you were a little boy or a little girl, but something told me you were June. Your dad kept telling me to take a pregnancy test, but I kept refusing (I can be a little stubborn), but early on a snowy Wednesday morning I took the test and may have yelled a couple of 4 letter words when two lines appeared. Your dad was sick with the flu and came running into the bathroom with two tissues up his nose and we cried together in happiness.

You made me very sick all through the end of winter. February was the longest shortest month. So much snow and so much staring at the toilet while your dad held my hair.

I'll fast forward through the middle months, but just know I was a bit neurotic while I carried you inside me. I'm a bit neurotic generally, but this was a new level. I thought everything was jinxing it. I would get nervous when people gave me gifts for you, I procrastinated thinking about the nursery or reading pregnancy books, black cats terrified me, I was afraid when I bent over I would squish you (this one was the silliest), I got a pedicure and then panicked that I had sent myself into early labor and your dad came home to me in pieces with worry. This is just a little sample. I tell you this in case you're anything like me, so you know where you get it from.

But despite all my worry, you grew. And before I knew it August was here. And with August came a spike in my blood pressure. The doctor put me on bed rest (not the easiest for my brain, but you were more important than that). You were big in my belly and making me breathless. I watched the Perseid meteor shower with you inside me. I turned 30 while carrying you. I read Wuthering Heights, watched too much reality TV and waited for you.

And then you came.

We walked into the hospital on Sunday night. It was 100 degrees outside. I wore my Beyonce shirt for courage. Hurricane Harvey was hitting Texas hard as we watched CNN in the lobby. I thought about the women there giving birth in the eye of a storm.

I labored with you that night. Listening to your heartbeat on the monitor. I didn't really pay attention to anything else. The next night I asked your dad if he heard the heartbeat monitor going off in the room next door. There was none, I was just so focused on your heartbeat for so long I was still hearing it. Your dad kissed my forehead and laughed.

My induced labor was fast with you, when things got going they really got going. Your Aunt Cate was trying to make it in time from the airport, but I started to push early in the morning and she got there just after you arrived.

The pushing was long, but other women push longer. Two hours of work trying to bring you into the world. About an hour and a half in I started to doubt myself. I didn't think I could do it. Your dad told me I could do anything. My whole body was shaking and I was so tired, but then the nurse asked if I wanted to see you. I wanted nothing more than to see you. So I looked in the mirror the nurse held up and there you were. The top of your perfect head.

My June. I wished on a hundred dandelions for you, said a million prayers, used all my birthday wishes, crossed all my fingers and toes, and held my breath for 9 months for you. So I pushed harder and you were crowning.

They called the doctor. I waited, then it was time, and one more push brought you into the world. The feeling when you left my body was indescribable. I know you made a little noise, but I wanted you to scream so I knew you were okay. The doctor put you right on my chest and your dad and I cried. I've never seen that look on your dad's face and I've known him 15 years now.

They took you to clean you up and check on you. I didn't take my eyes off of you. I was worried you weren't making enough noise, but the nurse kept saying you were perfect. The doctor was telling me I had lost quite a bit of blood. Several more nurses came in the room. But I don't really remember what was going on, I just remember you on that little table with your dad next to you. You were so tiny, but you also seemed sturdy and strong already. Six pounds with lots of hair. I felt immediately I would do anything for you Junebug. Endure any pain.

They were still fixing me up and stopping the bleeding-- and your temperature was low, so your dad went with you to the nursery while I stayed behind. Then my big sister (your Aunt Cate) arrived and we hugged and cried. I told her how much hair you had. They brought you back to me and I held you for hours.

And just like that we had a daughter. We brought you home two days later during a summer storm.

That night with you in the bassinet by my side of the bed, with rain on the windows in our little house by the mountains, I listened to all of us breathing. You made little noises like a dove. And I thought, this is heaven.

Thursday, July 27, 2017


Well, hi there blog. My last post was for New Year's, so naturally I'm back just in time for my birthday list! Truth be told I have not given much thought to my birthday this year, my mind is squarely fixed on mid-september and I'm pretty much just letting August 7th slide on by this year. BUT, I have to make a birthday list. 
It's tradition.
And I know that my many avid readers 
NEED TO KNOW what I want for another birthday. 
So here we go! For the SEVENTH TIME 
(man I'm too old to be doing this), my birthday wish list:

Dear Universe,

What follows is my 30th 
birthday wish list (in no particular order):

1. Comfy PJs
for lounging this fall

(boy brow, cloud paint, lipgloss)
'cause I need to know if the hype is real 

'cause I will continue to put this on my list until they are finally mine
and look! a groupon

4. A day up at Sundance with James!
'cause the search for the perfect nude nails continues
'cause all the heart eyes

'cause I'm super late to the party 
on this one but I've heard good things 

9. And, as always, world peace:

xoxo, b.

Saturday, December 31, 2016

Bon Année 2017

Another year gone by! James and I went to our favorite Chinese restaurant last night and completed our New Year's "Year in Review". We loved looking back at our answers from last year, so we are thinking we've started a new tradition. Here is our 2016 year in review:

1. What was your favorite book you read this year?
J: The Story But barely, I didn't read very much this year...
B: The Neapolitan Series, Circle of Friends, and The Rules of Civility. I read a lot this year...

2. What was your favorite  movie/TV Show this year?
B: "Sing Street" and "La La Land", and "The People vs OJ Simpson"
J: "Sing Street" and "Hacksaw Ridge" and "Stranger Things"

B: Ooooh "Stranger things! Forgot about that one! Also, "The Crown" and "Poldark" were also great this year. And Drag-race Allstars! And "Happy Valley"! Ok, I'm done.

3. What was your favorite song/album this year?
B: "WALLS" Kings of Leon and Lemonade.  
J:  "The Greatest" and Sia's whole album.
B: BUT ALSO "Hands to Myself" 'cause we danced the crap out of that one.

J: It's your most listened to Spotify song this year!
B: I know! I laughed so hard when I saw that!

4. What was your favorite moment of this past year?
B: Beyonce concert (when she sang "Countdown"), holding Nolan for the first time, eating fresh oysters with you by the ocean in Seattle as the sun went down.
J: Seattle is a good one! My trip to LA in the summer was awesome, but also anytime we spend the whole day together, just the two of us.
B: ...I put Beyonce first. Is that bad?
J: No, just honest.

5. What was an unexpected challenge?
J: Let's say it at the same time on the count of three
B: haha, Okay!

J: 1...2...3

6. With whom were your most valuable relationships?
J: You and I spent more time with my brothers, which I really liked.
B: You and I focused a lot more on having meaningful, individual relationships with friends and family and it was just perfect! So im'ma keep doing that in 2017.

7. What was your single biggest time waster this past year?
J: Sleeping in too late. This is my second year saying this, so clearly I need to make a resolution.
B: Twitter. Twitter swallowed my brain this year, especially around the election. Never falling down that black hole again.

8. What was the best way you used your time this past year?
J: Learning. I taught myself a lot about creative stuff this year, oh and being creative! 
B: This is so weird but... going on long walks with Caesar. There is nothing better for me mentally or physically. And I kept it up through all the seasons! Turns out we live in an incredibly beautiful place. So maybe, taking time for myself was important this year? Now I feel selfish.

J: You're not selfish, you just really love long walks!

9. What was the biggest thing you learned this past year?
J: I learned how to love you better. I don't want to brag, but I think I am approaching peak husband.
B: Haha! I learned how to let things go and let what will be, be. (Mostly, does anyone ever completely learn this?) But I definitely worried less this year and just did what I needed to do for myself to be happy. 

J: That's so true, we both did a great job of keeping outside stuff from infiltrating our home/happiness.
B: Ooooh, infiltrating-- We protected the castle! The Perry fortress still stands!

10.  Create a motto for 2016:
J: Be yourself.
B: You're never going to go if you don't go now (in other words: stop procrastinating)
Family motto: Perry's: We get the job done.

I know a lot of us are happy the see the back of this year. It reminds me of the Zora Neale Hurston quote: "There are years that ask questions and years that answer." I think this may have been a question year. 

No matter how you feel about 2016, I hope this new year and fresh start bring you happiness-- happiness always. We have a great capacity for love, regardless of the darkness and fear, always find ways to let the light in. 

Because it's the time of year to say it: I am grateful to go through the hard stuff with James. He is my person. I am so beyond grateful to be loved and cared for the way he loves and cares for me. I am the luckiest.

Hope your new year is bright and happy and full of all the things you love best.

2017; I am coming for you. Happy New Year! 

Sunday, December 18, 2016

Christmas Vacation Christmas Party 2016!

I made the photo prop with some flattened cardboard boxes 
(stuffed squirrel in the tree)
Cake by Catey Cakes!
Some laminated food markers I made!

Aubrey and Russell Stockings
Favorite Christmas Vacation quotes garland

I had so much fun with the Christmas party this year. Our single guy friends offered their house so we could have more space (our little home is not the greatest for big parties). I loved having a really specific theme to make some fun party gear, and let's just face it, a Griswold Christmas is so much fun.

Thursday, December 8, 2016

September/October/November Reads

 4/5 Stars
This is my second book by this author and she. is. good. at. mysteries. 
Especially with women.

Super fast read (short stories).
Life is so precious. 

This was a Goodreads recommendation, and I was a bit underwhelmed. I love this historical fiction medieval genre but this one just wasn't my cup of tea. However the name Joanna is so lovely (main character). 
This was recommended by my sis and she said "have you read this? This is your kinda book sisto"
And she was right. One of my favorites of this year. 
Historical, fascinating, entertaining? So good.