You fill up my senses

Dear June,

You are 9 months today! A great thing about marking each month of a baby's first year is it really makes you reflect. I cannot believe how much has changed in 3 months. When I realized you were 3 months from one year old, I was simultaneously thrilled and very, very sad. It's shocking how bittersweet parenthood is. Every new milestone comes with joy and also sadness. I've never felt the way time marches relentlessly forward until this year with you. It has made me very aware of how I spend my time with you--I now only watch Kardashian's after you go to bed!

Here are some things about right now:

- You have no time for our cuddles. There are stairs to climb and dirt to eat off the floor and you cannot be slowed down by your parent's attentions. I've known you were independent basically from day one, but now you are stubbornly so. Anytime you fall asleep in my arms I never move. I stay perfectly still and stare at you for as long as you let me.

-When you smile at people you scrunch your face all up and give yourself a double chin and squeeze your hands together. You are just the biggest/best weirdo.

-Books. Books are your thing. The cardboard kind is your favorite because you can turn the pages easily. If your toys are spread all over the floor, you always go for your book. I have read "A Color of his Own" so many times to you, and every time I finish you laugh your head off for absolutely no reason.

-Your dad sang you "Strawberry Wine" as a lullaby recently, while I suppressed loud laughter outside the nursery door.

-Right after you turned 6 months, we traveled home with you for the first time. I was so nervous about everything, but we did it! I suddenly had so much more confidence about doing things with you. It was a turning point in my mom-hood. I felt like, "if I can fly with her, I can do anything with her!"

-You just had your first real cold. I gave it to you. You were miserable and I'm sorry.

-I have (finally) stopped pumping. Nursing you and pumping and etc. was very emotional for me and I'm still not really able to talk much about it. But you, literally, could care less. You like big warm bottles and you don't care what is in them. So, to you, this is just another silly thing I worry about that you don't care about ;)

-I still have no idea what color your eyes will be. Right now they are a beautiful gray color, with brown around the iris'. Hazel/Gray eyes with strawberry blonde hair. You are so beautiful it makes my heart hurt. 

-A.V.O.C.A.D.O.S. all day. every day. Avocados. I'll make a California girl of you, yet.

-I think you say "Hiiiiii" when you see me. Your dad says I'm imagining things, but whatever, I'm pretty sure it's your first word. You also point at everything and you are just starting to wave. I love it so much.

-It's your first summer and I can't wait to go to the pool with you every day. Babies and water, man. Also, I wish I could bottle how you smell in your summer clothes and sunscreen. So magical.

-About a week ago, I was having a bad day. Some days I feel completely unqualified to be your mom and I get a bit overwhelmed. So I went on a run around dusk, after you went to bed, and I saw a beautiful horse. Then out from behind the horse a little baby foal came out. I immediately burst into tears. My headphones were in and HAIM was playing, and I pet the Mom horse while the foal nursed in the beautiful sunset light. She looked tired, but she also looked happy. I think her baby was only about 2 days old. I told her she was doing a good job. The rest of my run I couldn't stop thinking about taking you to see that baby horse. I rushed home from work the next day to take you over there. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me.

-You have sucked on a lightning phone charger... twice. I sincerely pray this doesn't have lasting effects.

I love you so much, my wild girl. xoxox, Mom