Dear Junebug,
How do I write to you about your second year so far? Where to even start? How to put into words how we settled into each other? The newness of motherhood fading into this other thing. Something more solid.
As the clouds and rainbows of my postpartum time started to push back and I found myself again. Not really myself before motherhood, but a version of myself. One I like better. One with a stronger sense of self, but a lot more gray hair. That heart pounding elation every time I pulled the stroller out of the back of the car, or grabbed diapers at the store, or ordered baby sunscreen instead of regular sunscreen ("I'm a mom! This is crazy!"), has gone.
Now we're old pros. You and me, settling into the rhythm of parent/child, mom/daughter, person who provides string cheese/tiny person who demands string cheese. Less overwhelming, but challenging in new ways. Here are some things about your toddler year:
-from about 14-17months you said three words: "no" "cheese" and "dada". Only the essentials.
-You like to observe, and then join in whole-heartedly. I've seen you do this at the park and at school, your little face studying the other kids for a few minutes, then screeching towards them to join the fun. You love a party and are still my wild girl.
-Last night, during dinner you stopped mid-bite, looked right at me and said "thank you, mama" to which I said "You're welcome, Junebug" with tears in my eyes and your dad told me to keep it together.
-Everything is a phone right now. Shoes, bananas, car keys, swim goggles. You pick them up, hold them to your ear and say (quite urgently) "HELLO??"
-You give big, open mouthed kisses 1000 times a day, which has lead to everyone in our house catching one sickness after another for the last 4 months. We have not stopped the kisses because they are too cute.
-Right now, when we're playing, you stop right in the middle of being tickled or chased, and you say: "FUN." Not a question or even an exclamation, just a statement.
-At 18 months you started both nursery (during church) and caterpillar school (2 days a week at a local preschool). Your dad and I wanted to get you out of the house more and playing with other kids, plus you are a nightmare to grocery shop with, so these two outlets felt like the perfect solution.
At first you didn't want me to leave. You would cry and cry and I'd have to come back every 5 minutes to reassure you. Then, about a month ago, you stopped. Just walked straight in and sat down and said "bye mama". The first time you did this at caterpillar school I cried in my car for an hour and a half. The first time you did it in nursery at church, I hovered outside the door not knowing what to do with myself. Then a friend came by and said "I know just how you feel" which led to me crying in a closet for 15 minutes. So, progress has been made with the crying.
It reminded me of when we stopped room sharing and put you in your crib for the first time at night. You were 7 months old and I cried so hard I strained my neck. Your dad asked what was making me so sad, to which I replied "everything takes them away from you" —through sobs. I think this is one of the wisest things I've ever said, even though your dad laughed because I looked so miserable and I was being very dramatic.
I saw this quote on Mother's Day that said, "Here's how it goes; your mom has you and then you have her. And then even after she's gone, you still have her." All this to say; maybe I was wrong. Maybe nothing takes you away from me.
I had you, and now you have me. It's the best magic I've ever heard of. I love you little bug, I can't wait for this summer with you.
xoxo, mom
No, you're crying!
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