well, i'm back :) it has been quite a month and i just didn't have the time or the energy to write much. actually i think i was also worried about having the tact to write. which is probably a valid concern, so i will keep things as short and sweet and life-as-a-sadie-licious as possible.

now, i am in the middle of spring break-feeling relaxed. currently i am listening to the shins station on pandora, eating left over indian food, and looking up flights into sf for cate's graduation in may. oh, and there is a major spring storm happening outside the window. which is lovely.

earlier this month, we celebrated st. patty's with friends & a movie night (and corned beef and cabbage) i also made irish shortbread cookies, which were delicious. yet again i have discovered a recipe which basically allows me to eat plain butter. love.

it was the week after st. patrick's day that josh's condition really became clear. by wednesday of that week it was more certain that things were serious in a way that we had not let ourselves think about before then. that night and the following day were long. and on friday morning i got up and went to teach as usual, except i made sub plans and spoke to the school about the situation. it was that morning i allowed myself to let the reality of the situation sink in, because i had to talk about it with colleagues and superiors. i've realized i can be a very private person, so crying in the principal's office is pretty much my idea of hell-but afterwards i felt relief knowing i had support there. the school got me a sub for my morning classes, so i went home to be with james who was trying (unsuccessfully) to focus on school. i got home around 9am, josh had passed away that morning after i left. it was such a beautiful day, so we decided to go on a little bike ride around town. we didn't even think about it at the time, but it was the perfect thing to do for josh. when i think about that day i will always smile knowing he would have loved that.

josh's service was on a friday morning-which also ended up being a beautiful day :) afterwards the perrys held a memorial service, where we got to hear from the three oldest boys (troy, greg, james) and dad perry. it was powerful and emotional and hopeful all at the same time. afterwards at the luncheon some of the brothers told stories about josh's big brother antics (like taking all of their pogs, etc) and once again- i think josh would have loved that.

when you get married, you don't realize it at the time (at least i didn't), but you join a family. your circle grows exponentially. this family i have become a part of is fantastic. they are loud and funny and fun and big. they speak their minds, they love china city chinese food, they play lots of volleyball. but this is not why they are fantastic-they're fantastic because they love each other.  i'm going to steal a quote that my mom sent to the perrys becuase i think it is perfect & comforting:

"unable are the loved to die. for love is immortality." emily dickinson

there is a lot i do not understand about tragedy and loss. there are a lot of questions i have and i think i will continue to have for a long time. but of this one thing i am absolutely sure: josh was loved. deeply and completely loved. i saw it at 16 years old when i went to my first perry family dinner and i've felt it in these first few years of my life as a perry. josh was so very, very loved. thank you mom & dad perry for loving your children so entirely. 

so the long and short of it is- we are doing good. we're home, james is finishing up school, i'm counting down the days to summer, we are eating too much easter candy, and overall we're good. grief is a funny thing, one moment you're fine and the next you are a puddle. sometimes we are puddles together, and sometimes we are each other's mop. either way, we're happy to have each other.

(also, we feel overwhelmed by the support we have felt here in provo. from little love notes to generous acts of kindness, we have felt so loved. we love you utah family-sososomuch)